Imposter syndrome

Thoughts that emerged as I sat alone in a bar

I suffer from this ailment chronically. It is not exactly a disease in the physical sense, I also doubt that it would make an appearance in a future DSM anytime soon. But I do suffer from it, as in, this syndrome negatively impacts my life, and has been for years.

I was always told to “fake it until I make it”. Now I realize that this thing is a trap, because I wouldn’t feel like an imposter if I haven’t made it (this “it” could be anything, like getting into university, a job, or a pay cheque). Conversely, every rejection can be seen as a validation my fraudulent status (however much it hurts); if every application I submitted gets turned down, it would simply re-affirm that I am exactly as worthy as I think I am (which is not much really). It is exactly the “making it”-part that makes me feel like a fraud. I am faking it because I am making it.

Is there a pathological origin? Why do some people feel this way, and other don’t?

I am sure there are volumes of social science and psychological studies on this. Since I am a fraud anyway, I might as well start providing anecdotal “evidence” as statistical facts. I did my primary and middle school in China and I was not a good student. Others went to after school sessions to cram for state-wide exams, I went to after school sessions because I failed my classes. If we hadn’t moved to Canada, I might not have gotten into high school (apparently high school entrance is a competitive thing in China). I felt like I cheated my way into a high school, however illogical that thought may be. Anyways, I got into university based on my high school grades, but then I was a mediocre student in my undergrad. I couldn’t get into graduate programs in Canada, so I again, cheated, and went to Europe. I did work hard then for a decade or so. Now I am a faculty member in the US.

All this time though, I feel like I don’t have a firm grasp on the knowledge that I need to do my job. It’s all piecemeal, fragmented and hacked together. Like cramming for exams, I learnt things because I needed them for one project or another. I feel like I am slower than everyone around me, constantly. The feeling of inadequacy is reinforced by the overwhelming, toxic, and sickening positivity of LinkedIn, Facebook and twitter (read more on this at waitbutwhy). While I am pretty comfortable with who I am as a person (mostly because I don’t really think about it), I have no comfort with how I do as an employee.

What do I do to manage it? I constantly seek validation

These are happy pills in a metaphorical sense. Just like pills, extrinsic validations are by definitional ephemeral, they wear off. Every award I got gave me a high, it’s that cherry atop the cake, it’s that blue ribbon, a job offer, an award, a paper published. After an ever decreasing interval of satisfaction, I am out seeking another, stronger dose. Maintaining a status quo, no matter how lofty that status quo is, is never good enough. Looking at the “ego wall” (now virtual), I am just reminded the hollowness of the endeavor.

This dichotomy is something that I haven’t really made peace with in my head. On the one hand, I am (obviously) disappointed when my applications are declined. When I do get an offer, I wonder if they were duped by my clever ruse.

Intrinsic validation – am I proud of what I have done?

This is something I question constantly in academia. By definition, fundamental research are not meant to be immediately put to use (in an engineering application). We always tell each other that “this” may, some day in the future, be the “next thing”. In all likelihood, that is a trap as well. I cannot work with that goal in mind, to be honest, most of what I do is not going to be the “next thing”. Most of what I do is an academic exercise aimed at creating knowledge for its own sake. I have a lot of fun doing these academic exercises and that is a part of my guilt. I am having fun at my job, and being paid doing it.

Teaching is different. By trying to do it well, I do see an impact in the few students who understood the subject well enough to appreciate it.

In summary, I think I have gotten to a point where I’ve accept that I’ve duped everyone, and in all likelihood, I will keep duping everyone forever. I am not too afraid that someone will unmask me in some dramatic fashion anymore.